Wednesday, January 9, 2013

One Rule To Judge Them All And In The Darkness Bind Them


So . . . You saw the movie version of The Hobbit and it was like the parson's egg -- parts of it were excellent.  But then the gang went on Mr. Troll's Wild Ride, and you thought:  Oh dear God!  Now you can't decide how to judge the movie.  Given its virtues, can you really, with a clean conscience, declare that it's a bad movie?

Unca Mike is here to help.

Long, long ago, I formulated a rule by which one can dismiss most bad cartoons without having to endure them all the way to the end.  If the assembled good guys suddenly find themselves all in a clump, flying through the air screaming . . . that means the cartoon sucks.  It's possible that three-year-olds think this is witty.  I wouldn't know because when Sean was that age, we told him that that there were no TV shows on Saturday mornings.  But for ages five and above, it's witless.

From Dennis the Menace and his friends flying through the air in a Radio Flyer screaming to Winnie the Pooh and his friends clinging to each other while flying through the air screaming (and surely there are Disney executives who will burn in Hell for that), it's an infallible rule of thumb:  anything containing that scene is a sucky cartoon.  Doubly so if they also abruptly fall screaming down a long slide that suddenly opens up beneath them.

By this infallible rule, what you saw was not a bad movie -- it was a sucky cartoon.

I'm glad I could clear that up for you.



Ken Houghton said...

"It's possible that three-year-olds think this is witty. I wouldn't know because when Sean was that age, we told him that that there were no TV shows on Saturday mornings."

This is an invaluable rule. When the child is young, they will find better things to do with their time.

When they realize you were lying,they will know to double-check Authoritative Proclamations.

Ed McDonald said...

Perfect. Thank you.

David Stone said...

I think the Disney execs ended up on my in-Hell list after I saw their adaptation of The Black Cauldron at age 10.

That was perhaps too young an age to learn such a harsh lesson about what Hollywood execs do when they get their hands on fantasy literature gold...

wayne zimmerman said...

This makes me feel better about my first response to the Peter Jackson take on The Hobbit ( well, the first was 'Three Movies? ' ) which was disbelief on the persistant application of what gamers call 'Rag doll physics. 'to what are supposed to be creditable flesh and blood characters,

The second was the need for an archenemy ( in addition to Smaug ) to pit against Thorin, It seemed to distract from the main goal a bit too much.

Unlike LOTR where a number of the changes were heard and understood, too much of what went on with this movie seemed to pander needlessly to the broader audience ( God Bless em )

That being said, I half like the movie and can't stop humming Howard Shore's take on 'The Misty Mountains ' ( the dwarve's theme )

Wayne Z